Spinning in my head – Ripping the Band-Aid off
I haven’t written… As I sit and go through the reasons, they are all excuses, because I have written, I have just not posted … I have composed multiple writings. …
Here is the thing: after the last entry there were some private messages exchanged from a number of people and some VERY negative self talk. *Please note, though, that not one person judged me except me*
I thought I was over that – I thought I had learned self love to the point that this was not an issue– after all, my life stories are … just that – mine. They are my interpretation through my lenses what I witnessed with my filters. My stories, however, overlap with other souls and I wish to be respectful of their experiences as well as mine.. This will be a journey 😉
I have been afraid –
I have been afraid of offending, of being misunderstood, of being taken out of context, of being laughed at, of having my motives judged in the end…
I have been afraid of judgment itself-
At the same time I know that my experiences are not unique, they are transferable – they have inspired and motivated and healed others, and I feel called to share for this purpose.
So, being completely vulnerable here are some of the topics:
I am divorced because I was selfish. I did not honour the commitment of my first marriage, and I own my part in it. I want to explore what could have prevented it and maybe help others.
I am part of a generation of children that the courts “failed”. My mom made claims of abuse against my father that were only partial truths. We spent YEARS in therapy sifting through memories that were only partial realities. I developed coping skills that were founded in fear and false perceptions of reality. Only in my thirties was the veil stripped away. New coping skills, new love, and new forgiveness for self and others have been discovered and lived.
I have dealt with soooo much death. I have been seriously angry with those who have passed, all the while being overwhelmingly angry because I have been debilitated in sadness for loss. (What a crazy place to be – how can you miss someone you are so angry with?) Dealing with grief itself is a funny little cloud that still moves in front of my Sun sometimes, and rains sadness into moments.
I have been a manic depressive wife– I have thrown cups, have played and laughed, have used foul language, accused, screamed, yelled, cried, manipulated and used sex as a weapon or a reassurance. I have also been loving, understanding and unconditionally accepting… and funny. Mike tells me I am very funny. Only now after 18 years together have we found our “calm” (if you can ever call us that ;-))
I have been a bipolar parent – I have had dress up tea parties for suppers with good china, hotdogs and macaroni, hide and seek games, tag and water fights in the house, too much T.V., park days and picnics. I have spanked my children when it was uncalled for, I have raged at them in fits of personal unresolved anger, I have been unsympathetic when they injured themselves, and I have loved the shit out of them every other moment.
I have attempted suicide twice in my lifetime.
My beliefs on Spirituality, Christianity, ultimately RELIGION, have been rocked to their foundations. I have what Christians call the gift of “knowing” and what the “secular world” calls being a medium. I also have the gift of healing. For a long season in my life I asked God to take my gifts, as I did not believe that they were from Him. (Being in the church I was taught that my gifts were demonic) GROWTH- *please do not worry for my eternal soul, I am a Christian, I do not need to be “exorcised”, I promise. *
My children have struggled with addiction.
I have been in 4 car accidents and have been addicted to narcotics for pain management as a result.
I have struggled with eating disorders since I was 14.
I have struggled with MY definition of “normal”. One of my mentors told me that “Normal is a setting on the dryer and nothing more.” I love and live in that statement. I find my “setting” moment by moment, and I have learned so much that I only wish to share.
I know that there will be some people who will see that if I can do it, so can they!
There are others who will look and say “she knows nothing of my life” – THIS is nothing! And my thoughts are only mine today. My thoughts will change, and I hope to look back in years and see how far I’ve grown again, but for now I will shine my light from HERE.
I feel I need a disclaimer. (This is my fear of judgment here.) It is not my desire to air dirty laundry; there is no person in my life who I believe had negative intentions. I believe with all my heart that EVERY situation, PERSON and Experience have cooperated for the highest good to serve and teach in a way that I only would learn and grow. I sit in humble gratitude for all those who have knowingly and unknowing loved me and taught me. Whether we passed for a reason, a season or a lifetime, you are imprinted on my heart forever. It is my intention to respectfully visit life experiences and share love and coping skills.
This is, of course, the Coles Notes version of an entire complicated 38 years. I invite you into my space; I welcome all manner of discussion, as I believe that it promotes growth – if not for you and me, someone who silently is watching, reading and growing.
hat I know to be true today is that:
I AM – not my job, not my experiences, not my titles, not the roles I have played,
I AM – the spiritual being bearing witness to the human experience AS CREATED BY GOD and agreed upon by my spirit self (the part of you when you close your eyes and try to find your core but you go on and on forever)
And in the quiet I AM.