Conversations with Myself and Other Things Gone Sideways
I have been married for a long time – some days it feels like abooooout long enough- other days I feel like I will pass away long before I ever touch the depth of how much I love this man God has given me.
This Man has endured the best and the worst of me (sometimes in the same 60 seconds)
I used to fight with him in my head -there is a line in one of PINK’s songs that says “I’m tired from last night’s fight I wish I hadn’t started it” – Well, let’s be clear, she sings my life.
It all started because we were going out for Dinner with friends, to a fancy restaurant. I have judged these friends to be so many wonderful things. They have large tender hearts, compassion, and strength all woven with lighthearted spirits and killer jokes. I have also judged them to be prettier, cooler, and more stylish than I am. The thought of going to a fancy dinner in one of my -seemingly old frumpy dresses- made me feel old, fat, on display, nauseous and small …. I felt SO small next to them.
So I thought a very Female thought – “If i had a new dress I would feel prettier and fit in better” (with these amazing people that already love me very much and don’t care what I wear)
IMMEDIATLY I thought of asking my kind-hearted husband if there was extra money in the budget for a dress (please do not misunderstand we can afford a new dress – we choose to budget and at the time we had to ask each other for any purchases over $50)
Here is how the conversation went in my mind
J: Mmmm I have nothing to wear to dinner Saturday
M: Just pull out your black dress
J: BUT, I’ve worn it 17 times in the last 2 months
M: Oh like you can’t wear the same thing twice – are you spoiled? I’m going to wear the same pair of Jeans and you don’t see me complaining
J: I just wanted a new dress
M: you think were made of money? Was that you trying to Manipulate me? … .
J: NONONO…. *inaudible cry*
Now as this is going on in my head, we are actually making dinner together. We are walking around each other in the kitchen. My cheeks are starting to burn and I’m trying to formulate my response to our made up argument. He brushes my hip with his hand and I scuff him off…
Back In my mind:
M: we are already putting money out for a $300.00+ night – you honestly want to add to that? I would rather stay home anyway, it’s cheaper and I don’t have to put on pants.
J: Your right probably best that we stay home, Kaylee has cheer dues this month and it was a bit of a stretch already *I’m crying* – and so sad – thinking of missing out on great friends, good wine and savory food * “but I still want to go”
M: well it doesn’t make any money sense to go does it? Especially if you want a new dress!!
I made myself small, my ego was wounded. What I heard from MYSELF in those moments was that I was not WORTH a new dress.
As women when we have these conversations with ourselves; it is only our inner Critic calling out the Realist. What does your realist have to say?
My Critic was winning and what’s worse it was attacking my Vision of community and friends and BELONGING.
In real life we sit down as a family, I am melancholy, feeling defeated.
For this evening I will admit to the following unbecoming behaviors: aggressively serving food, avoiding eye contact, short answers, excessive use of sarcasm, eye rolling, unkind thoughts involving violence, silent treatments and ultimately yelling as the pepper had been placed back in the cabinet label facing incorrectly which is obviously grounds for a legal separation. He asks repeatedly what’s wrong – in a boy fashion – you know the sideways glance and “what’s the matter with you bewilderment”… He finally has enough with the Crazy person that inhabits my body and retreats to his office.
Like a 14 year old I go into my room to cry and journal about my insensitive husband that won’t take me to dinner and doesn’t think I’m worth a new dress.
But wait, we ARE still going to dinner. So I ransack my closet once more … to no advantage … Asking myself the whole time what do you want? Answers come in waves: I want to lose 20lbs to FIT in my skin and my clothes so that THIS is not so challenging. I want to FIT in a group of people – I want to feel worthy, I want to have the strength to ask for what I want … So I went to the Office and in real life stood in the doorway and said:
I know we are going out for an expensive night, I WANT a new dress and I’ve been all kinds of crazy because we’ve been fighting about it in my head … you said No (in my head), I’ve gained weight and nothing fits, not even my skin… and I’m going to do something about it, but until then I would like to feel good going out on Friday. I don’t know if it’s in the budget, but I would like a new dress,
I stood in the doorway and tears streamed down my hot chubby cheeks … and I waited for the NO
He seriously leaned back in his office chair and said “THAT’s what this is about?” he threw his head back and laughed, reaching out his hand pulled me onto his lap and said “we will get you a dress”
My Inner critic went ramped that day My Realist stood in protection over my Vision.
In observing this entire situation I can honestly say that a deeper part of me wanted ME to know that I was worthy. I am worthy of a new dress I am worthy of asking for what I want. I am Worthy
As a tool: When you have Critical thoughts, what positive intention would they be appearing for
Ask yourself and let me know J