Secretly, I think you know who you are. I think secretly you know EXACTLY who I am talking about, and YES, you think this song is about you … and I am here to say – I know you know -and you know that I know you know that I know…
I watch you walk around the room like you’re all that; I watch as you soak up the attention of our leaders, friends and mentors, and you stand where I would stand if you weren’t here. I have heard of you, comparing yourself to me, and I am offended that you would put yourself in a class with me – how dare you even think you are in my league. You know nothing about me. You couldn’t touch my league if you had stilts on, I am THAT far above you. *Apparently, you make me defensive.
You threaten my special, YOU make me feel small.
I smile to your face and puff up my chest, holding my physical space when you walk by – I will not be shoved into a corner again; YOU make me feel nervous. My palms sweat, everything sweats, my heart races, my ears tingle and my forehead goes numb, my arms and legs get noodley, and I get clumsy. And it’s YOUR fault. You make me feel less intelligent. I stumble over my words. You’re smarter than I am anyway.
I have my shit together when you’re not here. I am funny and respected and professional. But as soon as you are here, all that goes to shit (see, even talking about you I am unprofessional). Who invited you anyway?
You walk up to me like you have the world in your Gucci handbag, and you’re crushing my soul with your Louis Vuitton heels … and you are NICE TO ME?? Pleasant even … what gives??? ….
You all know the person I am talking about… you know that ONE person that makes you feel … and then, let’s think about it … that person has NO idea she does this to you, not one clue. In all fact she does not do anything, YOU do this all on your own.
Do you think that somehow someone else has the ability to take away your special? Or worse yet – that there isn’t room in the room for TWO “special” or “big” personalities in one space?
I used to. I used to think the room only had room for one center of attention, and that somehow when “she” was there … well, there was no room for me.
She taught me a lot … first of all “she” is the collection of many experiences, she loves me and has no idea that this is about her. She IS amazing, she IS smart and bold and bright. She is beautiful, and she inspires me, she drives me to be more (and she doesn’t even know she does it). SHE is all of you and YOU have helped teach me self love and self worth. You taught me that there is room for your special and mine in the same room at the same time.
There is a part of me that stands up in your presence (I have heard that part referred to as the ego), and for the sake of labels I will use that title for now. My “ego” stands up and says, “your here, and what you have to say is waaaaay more important than anything you would have to offer.” And in the same breath ego says, “What gives you the right to talk over ME?” Such a fickle thing that ego, just pointing fingers at vulnerabilities in myself. In your name.
When this happens I have figured out what works for me. I first ask myself where I am feeling this moment. Our bodies are amazing creations that are God-designed, and they are always communicating with us. Let’s talk in terms of Chakras for a moment; if we are talking about a communication system set in place by God – VERY generically –
1.When I feel: crown or “light headed” I remind myself to pray and to receive love and energy from God.
2.When I feel: my throat close, “the knot or tightening that I want to cry”, I remember that what I have to SAY has value – or the opposite: maybe I am speaking too much and can’t be quiet – I just want them to know me and to like me, so I remember to imagine balance.
3.When I feel: something hits my chest – I remember that I am worthy. *This is a self-worth conversation for me*, and I need to remember to be open and able to receive and give love and that there can be balance.
4.When I feel: in my stomach either the “pit” or the “butterflies”, I know that I have touched on a desire: *what do I want here?*
5.When I feel: Deep in my Core, something has addressed my security.
I feel combinations of these all the time. I have learned to breathe, to recognize what I am feeling and decide if this is something that serves me to keep. Or, if it does not serve me, if I can release it. And sometimes, I just gather my courage and do what I WANT in spite of the feeling.
On a snowy afternoon I did just this: I asked you, in the BIGGEST-little way possible… My voice cracked as it betrayed me, I felt my throat tighten and then opened to where all the words spilled out at once on top of each other, and I said something really fast like, “I know you probably have lots of friends but if you would like to maybe if you have some time at some point I mean if you’re not too busy maybe get a tea or you could even come over to my house it’s nothing fancy but it’s home and I just thought it would be nice to get to know you better I mean if you want sometime if you’re free we could hot tub or sit by the fire or sit on the couch cuz that’s more comfortable you know…. Whatever, just putting it out there.” Then I held my breath – One of my now dear friends answered in a way I could have never expected. She looked me truthfully in the face; her voice betrayed her, too, and she said, “Why would you assume I have lots of friends, I have a few … but….. am I THAT unapproachable?… And I would love to get to know you!”
My point is this; it may not always end this way, but I never would have known if I hadn’t moved beyond my fear. And what I said to her was a reflection of where I was at; what she said back was a reflection of where SHE was at … And while I am grateful the stars aligned that day, even had she told me that her “dance card was full of friends”, it would not have been personal rejection, more a reflection of her place in her own life. You have heard it said “We are all journeying on a path that others know NOTHING about, be kind”
So, I have stopped being a narcissist. It’s not all about me – YOU all taught me that. How I perceive people has NOTHING to do with them and is more about the lenses I am wearing to view them with. I am grateful I have not always given into my gremlins as it would have held me back from so many experiences with “you”
Just my thoughts from here with all the wisdom I can muster on this day